Have you ever been struck so intensely by a feeling that you're simply dumbfounded?

I sure hope so.

After all, what would life be without these insane emotions?

But what I'm specifically talking about is a person, place(for me, one of these places is California), or even a thing that means so damn much to you that your emotions about that person/item in question defies all logic?

I know I sure do.

I just don't understand, to be honest...why can I reason my way through any situation in life; whether it be personal tragedies, losing a job, or any of the ridiculous things that come with being "grow up", but when it comes to these few people or things, my mind turns to jelly and my knees into spaghetti?

I personally find this deep passion to be nearly as maddening as it is exhilarating at times!

When it comes to these few things that can do a number on my mind and body, I am subject to the most extreme of emotion. One minute I can despise one these individuals to the point of wanting to wring their neck; and the next I could be bombarding them with hugs and kisses. And to add to the madness, I often times feel conflicting emotions, such as the aforementioned, at the same time!

As much as I relish loving certain people to this extent, it is insanely draining and confusing...to say the least!

How about you? Who and what are your weaknesses?

Oh me, oh my. I may only be 21 years old, but all my life I've looked forward to being able to call myself a 20-something, so now I'm going to do it. Except now it certainly isn't as exciting as I thought it would be.

I'm pretty sure that most of the people that read my blog are 20-somethings, so maybe you guys can relate? Let me know.

One of my friends from high school, Julie, got married when I was 19.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I think Julie and James make a beautiful couple, but I really didn't think I would see any of my high school friends get married until I hit 20.  And boy did I under-anticipate HOW MANY people would be getting married/engaged during my first two years as a 20-something. In the last three and a half years that I have been in college, solely out of the people I went to high school with, let's see if I can remember all this, there has been: Danielle and Justin got married-Danielle is now pregnant and due anytime now; David is engaged; Kym was recently married; my dearest Andrea got married...The list goes on and on. By no means am I criticizing any of these amazing people, I congratulate them and wish them the best with the whole of my heart...I just didn't expect it all to happen so soon!

So all this leaves me thinking...has all of this happened sooner than I thought it would, or do I not realize how old I really am?  And if I really am that old, what in the world do I want for myself in terms of personal relationships?

As I stated before, I am currently 21, and will be turning 22 this year.  My dear sweet mother got married when she was 22 and a half years old. Eek.  Okay, so my Mom got married around this age, so should I be wanting to get married right now too?  Honestly, I'm not there. I've met someone wonderful, but I'd probably hit him with a frying pan if he said something like "I want to get married soon".  I mean...I can say that I'd like to marry by 30, ideally...Maybe I'm the odd one for wanting to wait so long?

Okay, so I want different things for myself than a lot of my friends want for themselves. There's nothing wrong with that, I love you guys very much! And I respect the fact that you can be as committed as you are to your significant others.

But I really feel like I don't feel as old as I am.  I look in the mirror, and I just see me. I always envisioned myself as being so much more together, sophisticated and accomplished at 21.  Maybe I overestimated myself? Maybe I'm just a big slacker? I'm not really sure.

So I suppose I don't have any more answers than I did when I first started writing this; but I can say that we all move at our own respective paces in life. I respect and adore my peers that are together enough to commit themselves so completely to another human being..I'm just not there yet. I suppose there's nothing wrong with that, right?  I'm not really sure when I will want to get married, or when I will get married.  And honestly, right now, that isn't at the forefront of my mind at all. Maybe it'll be sooner rather than later, maybe it'll be later rather than sooner. I'll just take it as it comes.

Man, being a 20-something is sure confusing...I hope I'm not the only one!

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

I'm no longer a Daddy's Little Girl,
I never see most of my friends from home,
I'm only in California two times a year for about 10 days at a time.
I love my parents, but honestly I'm not as attached to them as I was.
I feel like I need to be on my own.

Mount Holyoke as an academic experience has been great.
Mount Holyoke as a social/college life experience has been pathetic.
I spend most of my time in Amherst.
In the last year, I have moved once every 3 months.
I don't have a home base in college.

I'm now living my 3rd summer in the Boston area, but I haven't lived there for more than 3 months at a time,
The Boston area feels like home more than anything else right now.
Yet I don't have a permanent residence there to go to during breaks, or even as a refuge.

I don't belong anywhere geographically, I really have no home.

...Okay, fine. I can deal with that.

But what about emotionally? Do I have a mental "home" or a stable life?
No.

I know what graduate school I want to go to.
And thats it.
I don't know where.
I don't know why.
And I don't even know that I'll get in.

I don't know what will happen.

I want to have a purpose.
I want to "start" my life.
Start on my career, I want to live in the same place for more than 3 months.

While many will say that this uncertainty is what makes life exciting.  I think everybody needs some sort of stability in their lives.  Whether that shows in the form of Geographical, Life Stability, or Interpersonal stability, everybody needs stability.

I just eliminated Geographical and Life Stability. What does that leave me with?
Interpersonal stability.

Sure, I have some amazing friends and people that care about me. But at the end of the day, I just feel guilty about talking about what is on my minds with them. Everyone has their own issues, I hate to burden them.

All I want is someone/something/someplace to be there for me unconditionally. To love me unconditionally, so to speak. I don't want to scare somebody away just because I'm having a rough time. Although we can sit here for hours debating the connotations of unconditionality and what it means philosophically.  But you know what I mean.

Everybody needs their one person or their one thing.
And I'm pretty certain that I haven't found it yet.

I've probably written an entry along these lines in the past, but I feel the need to rant again.

Strangely enough, rather than ranting about myself or something, right now I am my biggest frustration.  Strange, I know. 

Since...childhood(I was about to say birth, but heck, I have no memory of my first 2 years), my biggest problem has been that when I act, I act in my entirety.  That is to say, that if something good happens, I feel the joy permeating every aspect of my life.  And if I get angry, God help me, I react like a man.  I want to hit things, and I can't really talk to anybody.  My point is, is that every emotion I feel consumes me.  Yeah, I function normally, I go on with life.  I am "fine"(See my tirade about this below)  But it is apparent to the rest of the world that something in my like is not O-K.

I know that there are countless others like me.  But this tendency of mine annoys me to no end.  I wish life could just happen, and I wouldn't feel any strong emotions either way.  I wish I could get into an argument with a loved one, and proceed with life like normal--not having what the problem is in my every other thought.  But all of this wishing is obviously in vain.  This is a pretty fundamental aspect of my personality, and I cannot/am not willing to tackle the mere concept of changing this. 

However, I would be a fool if I did not recognize that I can slightly alleviate the effects of my reactions to things on my daily life.  One of my biggest mistakes has been thinking that I can control every situation, every aspect of my life.  While I do believe that we control many factors in our lives, and that we set the course to our future, you CANNOT control everything.  One of the best feelings of personal freedom is when you come to terms with this fact.  You are essential freed from the bonds/expectations of your own mind.  I am not condoning laziness, or personal indifference.  Letting go is just liberating at times.

Another thing...when something is wrong, or you are unhappy.  It is natural for those around you that care to ask if you are doing "fine".  While I wholeheartedly appreciate this sentiment, the nature of life and the world deems that you must be fine.  No matter how hurt or upset you are about any given situation, because the world around you goes on, you have to be "fine", you have to keep going.  I suppose we should just appreciate that we have individuals in our lives that care enough to ask.

Tears are not a sign of weakness, but a mere expression of emotion.  We all express it in our own ways.  Yes I cry, no it isn't because I am looking for pity.  I actually consider myself to be a very strong person, sometimes it just helps me to express my frustrations. 

Don't judge just because you're different.